Someone brings you a problem. You offer solid advice. They get more upset.
You didn't say anything wrong. You were just in the wrong conversation mode.
This happens all the time. A team member is frustrated. You jump in with solutions. They shut down. A colleague vents about a situation. You give them three options. They walk away feeling worse.
The issue isn't your advice. It's your timing.
People don't always need the same kind of support in every moment. Sometimes they need you to listen. Sometimes they need reassurance. And sometimes—only sometimes—they actually want you to help them fix it.
Most leaders default to fixing. It's how we're wired. It's how we add value. But solving is only effective when the moment calls for it.
This is why I use a simple framework with leaders:
Hear. Hug. Help.
Get the mode right, and everything flows. Get it wrong, and even your best intentions backfire.
THE BIG INSIGHT
People don’t always need a solution. Often they just need to be heard. Other times they want to feel supported. Sometimes they actually need help fixing it.
1. HEAR — They need attention.
This is the moment where someone says: “I’m frustrated. I need to talk this through.”
They’re not asking you to fix anything. They don’t want a plan. They don’t even want direction yet. They want presence.
Don't say:
Here's what I would do...
Have you tried...?
Let me give you some options.
Do say:
Tell me what happened.
I'm listening.
Keep going.
When leaders skip this and jump straight to solving, trust erodes. People feel unseen, not supported. Sometimes just hearing them is the solution.
2. HUG — They need assurance.
This isn’t physical. This is emotional steadiness. It’s: “Help me feel safe, understood, or grounded.”
People in Hug Mode want reassurance that they're not crazy, that their reaction makes sense, that they're not alone.
Don't say:
Let's focus on solutions.
This happens to everyone. (too dismissive)
[silence while thinking of advice]
Do say:
You're not crazy for feeling this way.
Anyone would be frustrated.
I see why that hit you hard.
You're not alone in this.
If you offer tactical advice too early, they’ll feel dismissed. If you stay silent, they’ll feel unsupported. Reassurance is what helps them get back on their feet.
3. HELP — They need assistance.
This is the moment most leaders default to first. It’s the doer instinct: “Let’s solve it.”
Help Mode is where you collaborate on next steps, explore options, and create a plan.
Don't say:
You should just...
Here's what you need to do.
If I were you... (before they've asked)
Do say:
Want to look at options together?
Let's break this down.
Here's what I would consider.
What feels like the right next step?
The key is to only help after you’re sure they want it. If you try to fix something when someone isn’t ready, it creates friction, not progress.
How to Know Which Mode They Need
Ask! Not softly. Not indirectly. Ask clearly:
“Do you want me to help fix this, make sense of it, or just talk it through?”
It’s a small question with a big upside. It removes guessing. It respects the person. It prevents emotional misfires. Leaders who ask this question have smoother conversations, fewer blowups, and far more trust.
What Leaders Get Wrong
Leaders default to solving because it feels like leadership. But here's what actually happens:
You jump to solutions. They feel unheard.
You offer great advice. They get defensive.
You think you're helping. They think you're dismissing them.
The gap isn't effort. It's mode mismatch.
Solving is valuable but only when the moment calls for it. If someone says they just need to talk it through, don't sneak advice in the side door. It sends the message that you weren't actually listening.
Presence is often the most powerful form of leadership. Sometimes people need your ears, not your answers.
QUESTIONS
Q: What if someone always wants to “just talk” but never take action?
Move from Hear → Help with permission. “I’m with you. Want to talk through possible next steps?”
Q: What if I pick the wrong mode?
Own it. “Let me pause. I think I went into fix-it mode too early. Please tell me more.” This resets the conversation instantly.
The next time someone brings you a problem, pause for two seconds.
Ask: "Do you want me to help you fix this, or do you just need to talk it through?"
That one question will change your conversations.
Chad Todd
chadtodd.com
